.what.God giveth.God.taketh.away.

It`s 5 am. I can`t sleep. I think I`ve sat in every chair in my house. Just sitting and staring at a wall. From the living room couches, to the kitchen table to the toilet seat.... and not to pee.. but to just ponder. As if pondering in different sections of my home would bring me the answers I am searching for. Its been 15 hours of useless pondering... and in the end I ask myself, wtf are you even searching for. Hes dead and gone. Whats left to ponder. Magic does not exist. Theres no genie to grant me wishes. So maybe I should just go to fucking sleep already. But I cant. Here I am, back in the first chair I started out in. Thinking, searching... breaking down inside...

I can`t stop thinking of his face..and replaying memories. Digging my mind for small moments, and making sure I don't forget a single one. My friend lived in another city, so I don't see him often, but we talked every single day. He IS family to me....He was probably the best brother I have ever had... took care of me. Was there when I needed him. He watched my back and I watched his... I keep texting his berry... hello... this isn't real... come back... just say something.... I`ve checked my berry probably every 5 mins, my heart pounds and then dies with the silence of my phone. The sleeping pills have been taking effect for awhile now... but I won`t fall asleep. I just cannot... I want to think about him...

I don't know what else to say except that I feel empty. A big part of me died when he died...Happy fucking New Years. NOT!

I read this before i went to bed last night to help cheer myself up: ♥fucking nammers♥ Sanj would of thought that was hilarious... sigh.