.the.sun.my.frienemy.

[NOTE:I found this hilarious blog I posted 2 months ago... I forgot to publish it. So here it goes.]

Saturday morning. Driving to work. 8 AM. Still awake. Don't ask. I'm driving and the pathetic sun is just SHINING in my dry ass eyes! It was so bright from raising I couldn't even see anything in front of me. I had just crashed my car the night before... yes from drinking. And had to borrow my dads car to work. I had to find a quick pair of sunglasses and throw em on. Fuck did I ever look more cracked out. Shaky from no sleep and over consumption of crown royal. Last nights make up still on and I smell like cigz. So sexy I know. hahaha. I was freaking bad. All I could think was... "sun.. god damn you! If you had an effin' body I would SLIT YOUR fucking THROAT grrrr"

I finish up my day. By then I was dry heaving and shaking so hard with sickness. On the way home from work, a truck driver in front of me decided he would drive really slow. Like, "Hey... lets waste time by driving 40 km.. lets ponder about life.. ponder about my fat ass bitch of a wife or could it be me that made her hate herself so much she had a sex change and became a man?" Buddy... I was raging k. I KNOW he KNOWS he was pissing me off. Because I could see his EYES looking back at me in the rear view mirrors. And I swear.. I kept eye contact with him back. I did not blink. As I slowly pulled a giant hunters knife out from somewhere in the car... I don't wanna get to specific but for some reason I had a knife. One that kills like ♥giant moose's♥ and shit. Yeah one of those. I waved it in front of him so that he could fucking see I mean business! This is some serious ass shit going on back here.. and if you don't move your redneck car I'll make your neck red with blood!!! Suddenly the sun that was my enemy... caught itself in the knife and blinded the bastard. He couldn't see and suddenly swerved and crashed into a giant semi truck full of gasoline that happen to be parked on the side of the road..that we were passing.. yeah and then some innocent bystander...who was smoking threw his cig away and it accidentally blew up everything. Yeah.. like everything blew man.

Okay..the whole last part was a lie. Up to the cig part. But yeah.. that sun... could of been a friend after all. I tell ya. A friend after all.

*Frienemy - smiles to your face than spits on your name behind your back.

.don't.disappoint.

HAHAHAH My dad is the SHIZZLE 4 REALZ. Buddy strait makes me laugh. He just got back from Vietnam, and I ask him what he brought me home. And fuck... he pulls out this ugly ass yellow pig. The look on my face must of been hilarious. I was like Dad man...wtf are those? I'll be damned! He actually looks SO hurt. Ha ha. He brought back 3 of whatever they are called. Bobble head "things"? He brought back 2 dogs and a pig. I'm the year of the pig. But niether of my bros were dogs. He made me promise to put it in my car. Listen.. my car looks like it already has A.I.D's. If I drove around with this BRIGHT ASS YELLOW bobble head pig thing.. fuck.. I might as well blow my car up with me inside of it. hahaha. I am thankful he thought of us.. and so I promised him I would. All I gotta do is put the pig out when I see him. And when I drive away I can hide it in my glove department. Well... I forgot to take it with me when I left. And my dads like "Kim.. you haven't taken your pig yet." And I walk over.... Touch its head... and the effin' thing fell apart. LOL. I blamed it on being NAM GOODS... and so.. I don't hafto take it into my car anymore. My dad agrees. It would be unsafe for someone like me... to drive along and SHA-BAM!! Suddenly it's head falls off.. startling me, thus causing an accident... and resulting in me to kill someone...or myself. Yah.... He so smart and cute. LOL. OMG you know what's even funnier?? He KNEW I thought that thing was gross. He goes to take the price sticker off it... and yeah... it ripped the back off. As you can see above. HA HA. He started laughing because he knew he just made it look even more nammerized.. sigh.... oh dad.

.SPELLING.IT.OUT.4.YOU.

[Warning: this DOES NOT apply to any of my guy friends what so ever.]

Anywhoo's for realz WHAT THE FUCK is up with 90 percent of the men that I have met so far in the last few months??? Like when I am not interested I make it pretty fucking DAMN clear! Hmm...actually I just stop answering your calls or texts. I am always on my phone. If you don't get a reply within those 3 hours. Your in the "you just got KICKED" zone. In 3 hours I could be watching a movie, sex, having a serious conversation with someone...you know doing stuff that MAY take about 3 hours to do. So... if I'm not answering you.... yeah. Y.J.G.K. YO! LOL.
-----Scenario-----
Boring date. If you suck, after I eat, I simple say "I wanna go home." Why do men always look so shocked. Maybe if you were a little more interesting I would hang around a little longer.

"Why do you wanna go home? aren't you having a good time?"
"Uh... sorry I got shit to do"
"It's 12 AM"
"Yeah... I do... stuff during the night..." [obviously making shit up]
"What kind of errands can you possibly be getting done during the night?"
"Beat up bums, pimp hookers, dig a hole and fill it with your body if you don't shut the fuck up - kinda stuff." Than I smile... Jk. no no.. I don't say that. Almost... but don't.
"OoOohh come on' Lets hang out...."
"CHECK PLEASE!"

LISTEN broski, if your date says these words "I wanna go home" YEAH! There are NO hidden meanings fuck face. It means...... oooh let me spell it out for you.. since your too fucking stupid to get it. "I WANNA FUCKING GO HOME AND STAB A TEDDY BEAR AND THINK OF YOU WHILE I DO IT!" Pretty Simple. Just suck it up. And let her go home already. Don't find ways to keep her around. UGH. It just makes her feel more awkward & SOOO much more annoyed.

get it? Cool.
Check out this old ass mofo tryin' run his game on ME bahaha!! SHIT SON!

.I.am.turning.the.key.

When you're gone
will I lose control...
You're the only road I know
You show me where to go...

Who... will drive my soul?